Pleasing everyone is hard. I know I've said many times that I shouldn't care what people think. I still stand by that statement, but the EVERYONE I'm talking about is the people I care about. Today was the worst day. I woke up from a dream I wish that happened. Went to work, had this big party that got my blood pressure rising to the highest point. Then I totally screwed up on timing with my bestfriend's thing, so I had to figure out a way to get and BEG someone to cover the rest of my shift. I knew they were pissed, but whatever, I couldn't disappoint my bestfriend. Finally 3:30 hits, I fly out the restaruant and sore to my bestfriend, but honestly I was so stressed out. As soon as hunn picked me up, I started balling my eyes, thinking about EVERYTHING. Hunn kept asking mewhy I was crying. I told him that I was just overwhelemed with EVERYTHING. Kept trying to cheer me up by looking it at a completely different yet positive perspective. I love that about him...but little does he know, he's also one of the most hardest people to please. I hate disappointing him, hurting him, making him mad, sad, etc. Anyways, we finally get to my bestfriends place. FINALLY, I'm here. I see a big smile on both hers and his face. That's all that mattered. That's what I wanted to see. When she said "It's okay, It's fine", I knew that was exactly what I wanted to hear. The day went out. The gathering was over. We went to go stop by SF bowling. As soon as we parked, I realized, this wasn't just a TORONTO gathering, EVERYONE was going to be here, which meant I knew EXACTLY what I was going to feel. My bestfriends told me he was here. Obviously. I wanted to avoid him. Looking at him would hurt. I started to feel anxious, scared, stressed...so I obviously started to feel hungry. I needed food. To calm me down. Obviously, the FOOD had to be nearby. Food wasn't ready. They took too long. We went back. I was still feeling the way I was feeling. I kept looking over that direction. Finally I got my bestfriend to walk back with me, we were talking, catching up. For a brief moment. I FORGOT. I forgot about everything (That's why I love my bestfriends so much). Then just when I turned around, he was there. I wasn't going to ignore him. I waved hi. I DID NOT want it to be awkward. He waved back, I obviously saw doubt in his face, but he was just being cautious. It hurt so much. I turned around, trying to hide my tears inside. I wanted to scream, wail, just get everything that feels so bad out of me. I ran to the washroom and took another trip to the waterpark, in the deep end.  I went back. I couldn't look at him anymore. I know I f----- up.

I'm sorry. Again.

I realized how grateful I am for my upcoming trip to phillippines. I can't wait to get away from EVERYONE, and EVERYTHING. Too bad, I wish I went by myself.

...still riding till the very end?
...wish you were never someone to love
...you against me?
...Chasing nothing?
...You'll never go? or You'll never stay?
...The best you never had, never will have
...I can't win, someone's mistakes
...there's always that one person that will always break your heart
...Here I am once again, i'm torn into piecies
...since you've been GONE, I was breathing for the first time
...my thoughts are all in sync, I need you Gone
...Lesson Learned
...don't want it to be like I'll never see you again
...No one, will get in the way of what I'm feeling
...If i were a boy, I KNOW I WOULD understand



I need YOUR grace, To Remind me, To find my own
...would you lie with ME and just forget the world.