Pleasing everyone is hard. I know I've said many times that I shouldn't care what people think. I still stand by that statement, but the EVERYONE I'm talking about is the people I care about. Today was the worst day. I woke up from a dream I wish that happened. Went to work, had this big party that got my blood pressure rising to the highest point. Then I totally screwed up on timing with my bestfriend's thing, so I had to figure out a way to get and BEG someone to cover the rest of my shift. I knew they were pissed, but whatever, I couldn't disappoint my bestfriend. Finally 3:30 hits, I fly out the restaruant and sore to my bestfriend, but honestly I was so stressed out. As soon as hunn picked me up, I started balling my eyes, thinking about EVERYTHING. Hunn kept asking mewhy I was crying. I told him that I was just overwhelemed with EVERYTHING. Kept trying to cheer me up by looking it at a completely different yet positive perspective. I love that about him...but little does he know, he's also one of the most hardest people to please. I hate disappointing him, hurting him, making him mad, sad, etc. Anyways, we finally get to my bestfriends place. FINALLY, I'm here. I see a big smile on both hers and his face. That's all that mattered. That's what I wanted to see. When she said "It's okay, It's fine", I knew that was exactly what I wanted to hear. The day went out. The gathering was over. We went to go stop by SF bowling. As soon as we parked, I realized, this wasn't just a TORONTO gathering, EVERYONE was going to be here, which meant I knew EXACTLY what I was going to feel. My bestfriends told me he was here. Obviously. I wanted to avoid him. Looking at him would hurt. I started to feel anxious, scared, stressed...so I obviously started to feel hungry. I needed food. To calm me down. Obviously, the FOOD had to be nearby. Food wasn't ready. They took too long. We went back. I was still feeling the way I was feeling. I kept looking over that direction. Finally I got my bestfriend to walk back with me, we were talking, catching up. For a brief moment. I FORGOT. I forgot about everything (That's why I love my bestfriends so much). Then just when I turned around, he was there. I wasn't going to ignore him. I waved hi. I DID NOT want it to be awkward. He waved back, I obviously saw doubt in his face, but he was just being cautious. It hurt so much. I turned around, trying to hide my tears inside. I wanted to scream, wail, just get everything that feels so bad out of me. I ran to the washroom and took another trip to the waterpark, in the deep end.  I went back. I couldn't look at him anymore. I know I f----- up.

I'm sorry. Again.

I realized how grateful I am for my upcoming trip to phillippines. I can't wait to get away from EVERYONE, and EVERYTHING. Too bad, I wish I went by myself.

...still riding till the very end?
...wish you were never someone to love
...you against me?
...Chasing nothing?
...You'll never go? or You'll never stay?
...The best you never had, never will have
...I can't win, someone's mistakes
...there's always that one person that will always break your heart
...Here I am once again, i'm torn into piecies
...since you've been GONE, I was breathing for the first time
...my thoughts are all in sync, I need you Gone
...Lesson Learned
...don't want it to be like I'll never see you again
...No one, will get in the way of what I'm feeling
...If i were a boy, I KNOW I WOULD understand



I need YOUR grace, To Remind me, To find my own
...would you lie with ME and just forget the world.

LOL! oh wow. It's been centuries since I've blogged here, on the infamous xanga. I'm glad I still kept the account. I don't write on xanga no more just because I have my own portable xanga at home. Well a lot has changed since the last time I've Blogged. I've changed. Honestly, I have some good changes and bad changes about myself and inside and outside my life.

"Every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around." The quote is from the movie Vanilla sky. I think its because of that one quote that made me fall in love with the movie, but I fell in love with the quote because for the past year, I've been surrounding life to the principles of that quote. I've learned to remove the automatic discouragement that I put on myself after failing, and just learned to grow some courage and try again. I also learned that bitching about everything doesn't always get me what I want...well at least bitching out loud .

I also learned that it's very important to be content with what you have, so what if it's not good enough? You have to ask yourself...why claimed it in the first place. There was a reason why it caught your eye, and why your heart settled and has grown attached to it. Don't ever let go of something you're very passionate about until it reaches to the point where it has become unhealthy. If it has become unhealthy, then don't look back, get over it, move on, there's more clothing to buy in malls, or lets say "There are still tons of fish in the polluted sea." 

Adding on to the many changes of my perspective in life, I also realized that being in a relationship is not supposed to be about giving up all of the things in your life for that one person. I missed dancing, and don't get me wrong it wasn't because of my boyfriend. One thing that I loved most about my boyfriend is that he always understood how passionate I was in the things I was passionate about. But anyways, one thing that you SHOULD NOT do in a relationship is give up on hobbies, interests, your passion etc. Plus, another tip in relationships, TIME really does make the heart grow fonder. Not just for me, but for everyone...including friends.

FRIENDS.This year (and the ending of last year, 2008) was all about reuniting. After I thought that this person had totally banished me from their life, this person has come back to help me realize why we were meant to be related. This person thinks, breathes, laughs, bitches the same way I do. I've never met anyone so similar to me. We both realized how precious friendship really are (at least the real ones anyways). There is also another person who I thought I would ever bring back into my life. I thought this person was out of my life for sure. But I realized that this person was too much of a good friend to banish, and I really really missed this person. I missed this person's humor and presence. This person's humor always saved me from agonizing suffrage of life trials. Even if I couldn't get through it, at least this person helped me laugh. (they know who they are )

So take my advice, actually don't. Eddie Murphy once said "Never take anyone's advice" . Its true because, you're the one that drives your life subway train. But from what I've learned so far in the ALMOST 20 years of my life (actually maybe a lot less than that just because I didn't know any meaning to anything until I was 8), Don't be afraid of change. Don't be afraid TO change. Don't be afraid of the bad changes and good changes, even if it turns you into a bit of a bad person. Life will force you to learn something wether you choose the right path. There are still so many flaws I wish I can fix, but I think trying my best will at least get me somewhere.